Before you read this post I must say a few things.
- It’s very long
- It is the first half of my story
- I wrote this threw tears and a hazy medicine, surgery blur and I have not read it since, I never corrected it or anything so I can only imagine the mistakes in here.
- It’s truth
- I dug in my journal for this after a few conversations with other fertility challenged women and I thought I would just lay it all out there
- I don’t know if I will ever read it but in case I forget this will remind me
- thanks for the support
August 18, 2010 I always thought my bittersweet moment came in the morning after a long night of work. Steve would sweetly take the girls downstairs and keep them occupied while I sucked in every second I could before he had to leave for work. Waking up early is an ugly habit if you are not an early bird so I would be in and out of it as i heard the pitter patter of 4 little feet racing up the stairs and Steve trailing behind saying “be quiet and gentle when you wake Mommy.” Then I would hear the arms flailing as they push each other out of the way to reach the door first. usually this sunshiny giggling is followed by a big thud as they run into the door expecting it to be slightly open. Giggles would start again as Steve opens it for them. At this point I always bury my head under the covers, it seems more exciting to them. Even now i am trying to devour one more second of rest as well as begging my tired body and burning eyeballs to just wake up as today will definitely be another crazy day in the life of twins. Suddenly I feel the tiny little hands smacking whatever they can reach as I yank the covers back and scare them! the giggles are out of control as they climb up the bed and full on attack yelling mama mama mama and hug and kiss me. UGgg I am so tired and just want to sleep one more minute but who can resist all that crazy unconditional love and so another sleep walking day begins. That was always my bittersweet moment until yesterday. My yucky story began on July 21 when I got my lovely period. Thinking nothing of it other than slight annoyance as i try to find a tampon because I am on the beach. Yea Colleen to the rescue. Anyway the normal tiredness and hormones begin. Every since I had the girls my periods have been keeping the company of major cramps. I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. Anyway I went on per usual and kept on keeping on. The weather had been hot, the girls and i very active, vacation and lots of company. Not only that but i had picked up extra shifts to help out with some house hold issues. I just thought I am tired because I am burning the candle at both ends. Suddenly I realize that i have had my period for 17 days. My trusty Shannon says you need to get in to the obgyn, most likely nothing is wrong but with your medical history just get checked out. She was like my little Mommy and i love her for it. I tired to get in with my ob and they couldn’t fit me in for months and told me to just keep using the pads and track the days. i did a little research and everything i read didn’t raise any red flags so I kept going. I called a few more obgyn and they all basically said the same thing. Finally 26 days of having my period and I deicde ok I really need to see someone this is crazy. I now realize why and how Mother’s get sick or cranky, they are always putting themselves off which is what I kept doing. I had two babies that would not sit threw a dr. appointment blah blah excuse and so on. This past Saturday I came home from work and had bad cramps but they went away after about 15 minutes so i ignored it thinking maybe it’s gas. Sunday life was fine and then Monday hits. Shannon told me about a great women’s health facility that I should go to asap so i headed over there and made an appt for Tuesday at 1:00. Meanwhile I was feeling out of it and not up to the task of taking the girls to Sam’s club so Steve came with us. i went ot the restroom while we were there and noticed more blood. The girls and i headed home and Steve off to work. At this point I was ready to fall out. I grabbed the cold groceries and put them away, threw the girls in bed and laid down myself. I think the car doors were still open and the garage up and dogs still outside. After about an hour of more bleeding and cramping starting I thought I am going to go to a walk in clinic. I didn’t have time to even think when the next wave of pain buckled me to my knees and the tears started…I don’t cry over pain people! I called Steve to get home I need to go to the ER. Shannon, thank GOD, savior of the day number 1, flew over to watch the girls until Katy (she doens’t get a number because she is just the super savior in this story) arrives to take the girls to her house for the night. We get to the ER and explain everything that is going on. They did a sonogram both internal and external and the ER dr.did a pelvic exam. We had tons of blood work and monitoring and finally were told to go home. I wasn’t pregnant, no blood issues, woman can be on their period for 6 months and all the fluic they were seeing will be absorbed over time. The only thing he couldn’t explain was the horrific pain. He sent me home with hydrocodine (first off all assholes I told you a thousands time i was allergic to codeine and you said this isn’t codeine- thank goodness the pharmacist clarified that is was a derivative and I may very well experience the same symptoms). Which I did so i stopped that. the dr. said go home monitor the pain if it doens’t get better within 8 hours come back and we will start some more tests; c-scan etc. So we left. No answers. Nothing. I am usually one that says ok I have a freak medical history this just might go away but not this time. i told Steve soemthing is wrong and we are going to every dr. in salisbury until we find an answer. Eleven pm came and Steve woke me and asked how I was feeling and did I want to go back. No we need some sleep we will deal with it in the morning. Saviors 2,3, 4, and 5 now come into play. Sonya (Shelby her daughter) Tutti (her mother) and Stacey (her niece) watched the girls while we went to the woman’s clinic. They didn’t watch them all together but piece mealed it because everyone had to work or do soemthing. The girls were great as they knew them. Neighbors are the best esp them! Now this time we are at an actually GYN office and Dr. Kerri Ellington (WONDERFUL) did some more testing and sent us home but this time with a drug that wouldn’t make me ill. We get home and poor Steve is just exhausted mentally and physically and the girls are confused about all the chaos and me i have no idea what to think other than please make me better as i crawl back into bed. (oh meanwhile she sent me to labcorp for some stat blood tests). About 30 minutes after we are home Dr. Kerri calls and tells me I am pregnant and my white blood cell count is increasing and we need to get back to her asap. NOW let me tell you something. My house is usually spotless and a diaper bag is always ready to go but I’ve been off my game so the house is yuck and the diaper bag is empty (heehee I forgot I washed it Monday). I am in tears as I come downstairs telling Steve the shocking news. he has tears in his eyes but then I follow up with my wbc is high and this is an emergency situation. DOES anyone out there know Steve? he is not good in these types of situations. i am, believe it or not the reasoning and calm one under pressure, but I can’t help him due to the pain. So he is yanking babies and diapers and this and that which is causing the pain to worsen cause he stressing me out yadda yadda it’s comical in a sense. Savior number (are we on 5 now?) is about 45 minutes away. OK so we are at the Dr. again and doing a sonogram. The lady is so sweet as I am asking questions and ignoring the monsters trying to climb the table to get to me. then the moment comes when i ask her if she hears a heartbeat. She smiles at me and pats my hand and says let me get the dr. I knew… Dr. Kerri came in and offered up a private room to Steve and the girls fully equipped with a tv and toys. Steve kisses me and drags them away. I, of course am crying the entire time both for the fact that Steve and I made a baby on our own and then we lost it. Shoudl I be happy or sad I don’t know. Dr. kerri tells me this is a life threatening situation and I need to get to the ER right away. The baby is stuck in my right tube and it can burst at any second. She is irate becaue the dr. did not pick this up the previous night. i wasn’t a little pregnant I was 3-4 weeks pregnant (heeey beach week). We get back to the hospital and Stephanie is there to meet us and take the girls home. Amazing little lady. She gets them home, fed, bathed and dressed and then super woman Katy comes and takes them again. Meanwhile back at the hospital no one, not even the obgyn can explain where all the fluid is coming from without cutting me open. Now since this is an ectopic pregnancy i have two choices, surgery to remove the tube and ovary which I don’t want to do or a shot of Methotrexate which essentially is a cancer drug and the side effects are liver and kidney damage. the list of side-effects is long but the success rate is high. i want to keep my tubes and ovaries esp now that there is a chance i can get pregnant. We did tons of screening and bloodwork first to make sure I was healthy and that my platelet count was 291,000 sweeeet! This is important becasue a normal range is 200-250 and when I had itp my wount was down to only a few hundred. After discussing the options over and over and getting my parents on the phone we went with the shot. Because of the tenderness, bleeding and free flowing fluids they kept me overnight for monitoring and I have to go back Friday. it’s a tricky process because if the drug doesn’t work I will experience severe cramping which means the tube burst and now I might bleed to death. The other issue is that the shot will cause cramping or pain a day or tow after it is administered so it’s a fine line. I have to get blood work Sunday and again Wed and if on wed they don’t see a significant decrease in my hormone levels they will have to surgically remove the tube and so on. So we are not out of the woods yet, at least not until Wed. I supose this is a rough summary of the events from Monday until now. Many details are still fussy to me. I don’t think i have fully come to terms with what is going on. It is amazing how you can feel so sad over the loss of something you never knew you had. My bittersweet moment will always be changed form those morning rituals of begging for an extra moment to loosing a child I never that I could have. Never give up on hope. Next years father’s day shirt just might say “nine and counting” fingers crossed! Now maybe just maybe my mind will stop and I can sleep. Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us. thank you to Katy who I don’t know what we would have done without you during this week. thank you to Shannon, Shelby, tutti, Stacey, Sonya and Stephanie who all ran to our rescue. Thank you to my little girls who handled being thrown from one person to another with such sweetness. Thank you to my parents who are on their way down to relieve Katy and once again help without question. And thank you to my husband who amazes me everyday with how much he loves me and our family. Thank you for being brave while I was scared. Thank you for holding my hand so I could calm down and rest while you patiently prayed everything was ok. Thank you for all of that and more. I love you.
And lastly thank you to God for giving us something we never thought was possible at least on our own. I know we will be meeting another addition to our family in the next year or so I just know it!
- Last Time I try this Pre-Bed Routine
- Clean-Up Made Fun