Dear L & H
I want you to know this. At night when you ask me to lay with you I know that I should but in the back of my mind I am thinking about all the things I have to get done in order to spend the next day with you.
I always tell you that I will be back after I get ready for bed and if you are still awake I will lay with you. That is never a lie.
I come back to your room and inevitably you are always sound asleep. Sometimes I do crawl in bed with you just to be in a moment of complete calmness; to smell you and hold your hand and listen to your gentle breath.
I wonder what you are dreaming about. Are you reliving the fun day at the beach? Are you running from me as I try to beat you for not listening for the 100th time? Are you smiling at the funny jokes we told? Whatever it is I pretend I know and in my thoughts you are happy.
Every single night I stare at you for a while. I stare at the roundness of your checks, the innocence and safety of your age, the redness in your lips. It sounds creepy but when you are a Mom you will do the same thing and you will remember reading this and think of me.
You will think about how incredibly powerful a love for your child is and how nothing in the world will top these feelings. I’m overflowing with emotions because in less than a month you will be 4. We have come so far and done so much but each day you are growing more independent and I hate the thought of when you won’t want to sit on my lap or hold my hand.
That’s all. I can’t write anymore because my tears won’t stop and I can barely see what I’m putting on paper. But I do love you and I always come back like I promise I will. I did last night, I will tonight and I will do it every day of your life. I love you. I love you both.