I Want my Time Back PPD

I am an emotional woman; always have been, always will be.  I feel with everything I have in this body. I feel everything with my heart never my mind.  When I am happy I am over the top happy, when I’m sad I’m bluer than blue.

It was a characteristic I hated but I have now embraced. It is the essence of who I am.

I’ve had a rough road over the past few months.  Certainly not the worst it can or will ever be but a roughness that just shook this happy core.  It was a barrage of PMS and hormonal surges completely high jacking me.

I cried and cried and cried and cried.  Steve would ask what he could do to help and I would cry.  He finally said, ”I think you have some serious postpartum stuff going on.”

I would get enraged and yell, “NO!!!! I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH HANDS, TIME, HELP, SPACE!!!!” And then I would cry again and again and again.

I would cry the most because I really had no idea why I was crying.  I cried because I had everything I wanted yet I found it painfully exhausting to be happy.  I was crying because I was yelling at Steve who only wanted to help me but didn’t know how.

I heard every sound as ugly.

I saw every sight as messy.

I felt every movement as exhausting.

I thought every thought as nothing.

I prayed for forgiveness for the anger and sadness I felt.  I prayed for energy to just get up and get it done whatever it was.  I prayed for a mind that could find a complete thought so I could check it off and move on.

I prayed for forgiveness that while I loved all my children so much and wouldn’t trade them for the world, that I had them one at a time.

I couldn’t keep it together.  It was a very scary feeling. I knew deep down it would lift but it was such a sensational feeling that I thought, many times, that it would never leave.

This lasted well over a month.  Postpartum is a very scary and very real issue.  I’m not sure if that is what I experienced but it was certainly a moment in my life that I can’t explain.  It was the only thing that made sense.

I came home from the hospital with another set of babies and had no doubt in my mind that I could handle it.  As soon as I was cleared to drive we were out and about; the grocery store, friend’s house, play areas, birthday parties.

It never dawned on me to be nervous.  I was born to be a mother.  Steve works retail hours so it feels like days go by before we see him and it never bothered me.

I GOT THIS!

Then one day life shifted.  I’m not sure when or how but something dark entered me and wouldn’t leave.

I finally broke down and probably gave my mother a heart attack but through her love and understanding I gave myself a pass to let it go.  I let it all out and as the days went by the smiles popped up more and more.

Then weeks went by and I can’t imagine being in that place again.

We are once again a little 5 pack (I prefer a 6-pack) cruising to sports four nights a week, shopping, running errands, visiting friends and even taking road trips.

It took a few weeks to forgive myself for being so hard on me.  For expecting so much out of myself but I’m back and only looking forward.

I thank God every day that I have such an amazing support system.  I have love that is unmeasurable from my parents, siblings, friends, children and especially my husband.

I am a lucky one.  I didn’t fight this evil alone nor did it rob my life.  I would like that month or so back but I can’t have it.  I can only move on and tell that bastard to stay away.

I pray now that other mothers know they are not alone and it will lift.  I pray now that they find the support they need to heal.

I’m glad my babies came in twos, I’m glad my husband is Damn-it Steve and I’m glad I’m glad once again.

 

10 thoughts on “I Want my Time Back PPD

  1. 🙂 I went through this too, not very long ago (just before your newbies were born). For me it was stress induced, and has dissipated immensely over the last few months…but I regret not getting past it quicker. Whining kids, constant chores and stress, not enough time in the day, etc. It’s hard to find a happy place when it feels like everything is smothering you! Steph

  2. I went through this too, with late-onset PPD/PPA (my twins reached 5 months before it really set in). It took me a few months after to get help, and I kick myself now every time I think back on it, wondering what took me so long to get that help. Entry ( and re-entry) into motherhood can be really rough. There IS help, and you are not alone….thank you for being an advocate by writing this post! You got this. 🙂

  3. Pingback: I Don't Mind Questions the Right Way - New2TwoNew2Two

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