I Want my Time Back PPD

I am an emotional woman; always have been, always will be.  I feel with everything I have in this body. I feel everything with my heart never my mind.  When I am happy I am over the top happy, when I’m sad I’m bluer than blue.

It was a characteristic I hated but I have now embraced. It is the essence of who I am.

I’ve had a rough road over the past few months.  Certainly not the worst it can or will ever be but a roughness that just shook this happy core.  It was a barrage of PMS and hormonal surges completely high jacking me.

I cried and cried and cried and cried.  Steve would ask what he could do to help and I would cry.  He finally said, ”I think you have some serious postpartum stuff going on.”

I would get enraged and yell, “NO!!!! I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH HANDS, TIME, HELP, SPACE!!!!” And then I would cry again and again and again.

I would cry the most because I really had no idea why I was crying.  I cried because I had everything I wanted yet I found it painfully exhausting to be happy.  I was crying because I was yelling at Steve who only wanted to help me but didn’t know how.

I heard every sound as ugly.

I saw every sight as messy.

I felt every movement as exhausting.

I thought every thought as nothing.

I prayed for forgiveness for the anger and sadness I felt.  I prayed for energy to just get up and get it done whatever it was.  I prayed for a mind that could find a complete thought so I could check it off and move on.

I prayed for forgiveness that while I loved all my children so much and wouldn’t trade them for the world, that I had them one at a time.

I couldn’t keep it together.  It was a very scary feeling. I knew deep down it would lift but it was such a sensational feeling that I thought, many times, that it would never leave.

This lasted well over a month.  Postpartum is a very scary and very real issue.  I’m not sure if that is what I experienced but it was certainly a moment in my life that I can’t explain.  It was the only thing that made sense.

I came home from the hospital with another set of babies and had no doubt in my mind that I could handle it.  As soon as I was cleared to drive we were out and about; the grocery store, friend’s house, play areas, birthday parties.

It never dawned on me to be nervous.  I was born to be a mother.  Steve works retail hours so it feels like days go by before we see him and it never bothered me.


Then one day life shifted.  I’m not sure when or how but something dark entered me and wouldn’t leave.

I finally broke down and probably gave my mother a heart attack but through her love and understanding I gave myself a pass to let it go.  I let it all out and as the days went by the smiles popped up more and more.

Then weeks went by and I can’t imagine being in that place again.

We are once again a little 5 pack (I prefer a 6-pack) cruising to sports four nights a week, shopping, running errands, visiting friends and even taking road trips.

It took a few weeks to forgive myself for being so hard on me.  For expecting so much out of myself but I’m back and only looking forward.

I thank God every day that I have such an amazing support system.  I have love that is unmeasurable from my parents, siblings, friends, children and especially my husband.

I am a lucky one.  I didn’t fight this evil alone nor did it rob my life.  I would like that month or so back but I can’t have it.  I can only move on and tell that bastard to stay away.

I pray now that other mothers know they are not alone and it will lift.  I pray now that they find the support they need to heal.

I’m glad my babies came in twos, I’m glad my husband is Damn-it Steve and I’m glad I’m glad once again.


10 thoughts on “I Want my Time Back PPD

  1. 🙂 I went through this too, not very long ago (just before your newbies were born). For me it was stress induced, and has dissipated immensely over the last few months…but I regret not getting past it quicker. Whining kids, constant chores and stress, not enough time in the day, etc. It’s hard to find a happy place when it feels like everything is smothering you! Steph

  2. I went through this too, with late-onset PPD/PPA (my twins reached 5 months before it really set in). It took me a few months after to get help, and I kick myself now every time I think back on it, wondering what took me so long to get that help. Entry ( and re-entry) into motherhood can be really rough. There IS help, and you are not alone….thank you for being an advocate by writing this post! You got this. 🙂

  3. Pingback: I Don't Mind Questions the Right Way - New2TwoNew2Two

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