I am an emotional woman; always have been, always will be. I feel with everything I have in this body. I feel everything with my heart never my mind. When I am happy I am over the top happy, when I’m sad I’m bluer than blue.
It was a characteristic I hated but I have now embraced. It is the essence of who I am.
I’ve had a rough road over the past few months. Certainly not the worst it can or will ever be but a roughness that just shook this happy core. It was a barrage of PMS and hormonal surges completely high jacking me.
I cried and cried and cried and cried. Steve would ask what he could do to help and I would cry. He finally said, ”I think you have some serious postpartum stuff going on.”
I would get enraged and yell, “NO!!!! I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH HANDS, TIME, HELP, SPACE!!!!” And then I would cry again and again and again.
I would cry the most because I really had no idea why I was crying. I cried because I had everything I wanted yet I found it painfully exhausting to be happy. I was crying because I was yelling at Steve who only wanted to help me but didn’t know how.
I heard every sound as ugly.
I saw every sight as messy.
I felt every movement as exhausting.
I thought every thought as nothing.
I prayed for forgiveness for the anger and sadness I felt. I prayed for energy to just get up and get it done whatever it was. I prayed for a mind that could find a complete thought so I could check it off and move on.
I prayed for forgiveness that while I loved all my children so much and wouldn’t trade them for the world, that I had them one at a time.
I couldn’t keep it together. It was a very scary feeling. I knew deep down it would lift but it was such a sensational feeling that I thought, many times, that it would never leave.
This lasted well over a month. Postpartum is a very scary and very real issue. I’m not sure if that is what I experienced but it was certainly a moment in my life that I can’t explain. It was the only thing that made sense.
I came home from the hospital with another set of babies and had no doubt in my mind that I could handle it. As soon as I was cleared to drive we were out and about; the grocery store, friend’s house, play areas, birthday parties.
It never dawned on me to be nervous. I was born to be a mother. Steve works retail hours so it feels like days go by before we see him and it never bothered me.
I GOT THIS!
Then one day life shifted. I’m not sure when or how but something dark entered me and wouldn’t leave.
I finally broke down and probably gave my mother a heart attack but through her love and understanding I gave myself a pass to let it go. I let it all out and as the days went by the smiles popped up more and more.
Then weeks went by and I can’t imagine being in that place again.
We are once again a little 5 pack (I prefer a 6-pack) cruising to sports four nights a week, shopping, running errands, visiting friends and even taking road trips.
It took a few weeks to forgive myself for being so hard on me. For expecting so much out of myself but I’m back and only looking forward.
I thank God every day that I have such an amazing support system. I have love that is unmeasurable from my parents, siblings, friends, children and especially my husband.
I am a lucky one. I didn’t fight this evil alone nor did it rob my life. I would like that month or so back but I can’t have it. I can only move on and tell that bastard to stay away.
I pray now that other mothers know they are not alone and it will lift. I pray now that they find the support they need to heal.
I’m glad my babies came in twos, I’m glad my husband is Damn-it Steve and I’m glad I’m glad once again.