It Ended With a Slipper

We had a very successful morning for a change.

I woke up long before everyone and got the home ready to welcome the day.  I brought a piping hot cup of coffee upstairs to wake up Steve and then I sat my butt on the couch to read.

A little derail- the other day I posted on Facebook that I needed a few book ideas; I was becoming too obsessed with social media and needed to knock it off.  After a slew of great read recommendations flowed through the thread to add to my growing list, I found a Grisham book to start me off that my Dad gave me recently.

I was QUICKLY reminded of why I don’t read as often.  My kids could be on fire before I noticed the screams or smoke when I’m engaged in a good book.

With social media you need no brain power.  A simple like here and there, maybe a good story or two and that’s it.  The problem is it’s easy and addictive.  I don’t get much of out Facebook anymore really but with work I need to stay connected.

So once again I was putting the girls off and getting annoyed that they were interrupting my morning with their stupid sunshiny smiles of “good morning Mommy” and their “apparent” need to eat.

Whatever!

Once I realized my nonsense, I put my book down and worked out our path of destruction.  I usually don’t go crazy with errands all in one day but I felt the need to get something big done today.

  1. Made 3 phone calls, successfully, that I had been avoiding- rephrase- that went successfully- I know how to make a call
  2. Dropped off donations to Humane Society- girls loved playing with the kittens- dogs were unavailable which was probably a good thing
  3. Dropped off paperwork to fall daycare at the college- girls seemed excited to go to school with Mommy
  4. Dropped off the recycling including magazines- big day when I let go of my magazines
  5. Dropped paperwork off at doctor for girls records of immunizations for school- turned around to see the girls straddling a mini pony far too small for them
  6. Went  to YMCA to suspend membership for summer
  7. Went to Target to price out pools; yes, we are getting one of those tacky above ground pools that my girls absolutely adore!  To my snobby friends, you won’t be complaining when yours kids are having fun
  8. Brought Steve lunch

All this and still home by 12:30 for lunch!  Booya!

I was feeling great as the girls decided to head outside to play on their slip and slide when I noticed our kitchen water was a little funny.

Oh no!  Fingers crossed that the well isn’t going up because the dishwasher is on the fritz (who cares- I hate dishwashers) and our fridge is broken!

So back out to the store we went to load up on many, many gallons of water just in case the water is bad.

My patience was wearing thin at this point.  Not that the girls were misbehaving at all but I was just exhausted; not to mention when we got out of the car for the umpteenth errand today the brats didn’t have shoes on….they had on slippers.

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And to make things worse as I was prepping dinner, so happy to be home, I remembered….ballet!

This is the point at which I normally would grab a beer.

 

Well Hello Embarrassment

Let’s skip all the mundane chit-chat about the evening’s errands and get to the good stuff shall we?

All that was left on my list was deodorant.  I was in my normal catatonic state that I slip into in order to make it through Wal-Mart without pulling my hair out.  Not necessarily because of the girls but because of the other idiots that frequent there.  I can’t wait until the day we are wealthy enough to NOT shop at that place.

Anyway, last item and L pops up in the cart grabbing herself yelling she has to go NOW!  I told her she had to wait one second but then H, the ever so logical and calm one looks at me with panic and declares her sister cannot wait!

So I turn the ever loving blasted cart with the bum tire around and start making my way to the restrooms when she lets out a hollow, “I’m not going to make it!”  And like every perfect mother I give her the death look and tell her to hold it until it comes out her eyes if she has to but her fear gives away the magnitude of this emergency.

Now, like a lunatic, I am running.  I slam the cart against the wall, grab my wallet, yank H out, grab L and carry her to the bathroom because at this point her hand is clutching her vag and she is frozen.  How the hell did you not feel this coming on sooner I thought?

As I was running for the bathroom I hear H yell MOMMY!  I turn around and she has no shoes on!  What the hell is going on around here people!

I dropped the spaz, picked up the shoeless, turn around and L was running full speed into the men’s room!  I mean she was in there, out of sight and for those of you who are regular readers this sent the sweat pouring!  LLLLLL get out here!  That’s the boy’s room!

Now we are full on sprinting to the girls handicap stall where I plop H down on the infant changer and pray it doesn’t break under her solid 40 pounds of cuteness and get L on the potty just in time; seat covered of course, there is always time for that.

Whew.   Once again I am bitch-slapped with the realization that I am no better than the people I turn my nose up to when I pass by and think what a hot mess that Mom is.

As I strip down to my shirt because I am about to pass out I start laughing thinking about how funny we must have looked.  I knew I should have said no to let them split that bottle of water however I will never learn!

You’re welcome ladies and gentlemen of Wal-Mart for your evening’s entertainment.  Same time next week?