Let’s Start Over…Seriously

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I woke up to a frantic H, hitting me saying, “ Sugar puked your new carpet, Sugar puked on your new carpet.”

I jumped up and ran downstairs.  On my way, sprinting, to the laundry room for cleaner before the stain set, I slipped in pee!  Nearly busting my butt I screamed which caused a chain reaction from the girls.

EWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!

In the laundry room I stripped out of my pants since the hem was soaked with urine and luckily there was another pair, non-pregnancy, sitting there so I squeezed into them.

I cleaned everything up, including the additional one by the back door and retreated to my bed to try to start this morning over.

Before my eyes could close I had to break up 3 fights, finally leading to a time out.   I told the girls not to come out of their room until I told them.

Between the 10 minutes of shut eye I did manage to get, H was nicely in her room following her orders while I heard a war of balloon hitting coming from L’s.  Someone has aggression issues.

I finally let them out of their rooms and tried once again to get a few more seconds of sleep.

This morning was shot when I felt a tapping on my shoulder and H was showing off her beautifully wet slicked back hair.

Two seconds later L came in with a soaking wet head as well.

There was nothing to do at this point.  I was all screamed out from yesterday and we are heading to Virginia in a few hours so I needed to change my attitude fast before I was trapped in a car with them for 3 hours.

The only thing I said was, “did you clean up the water that got on the floor?”  Because you know there has to be a ton of water somewhere.

H, with the sweetest smile, said, “No, mommy, we cleaned up the bench and the floor.  They both go really wet especially when L stuck her whole head in the sink and flipped it back. It was really funny.”

Dear ladies and gentlemen, this all happened before 8:45, ridiculous.  I am not a morning person and I thought my kids weren’t either.  I’m off to make a pot of coffee and pray this day turns around.

How did your morning start?

UPDATE: 10:47

L: when’s this lotion going to come out of my hair?

Me: what?

L: Daddy’s lotion (hair gel)

Me: I thought you only put water in your hair?

Then she rubs her head on my butt since I am doing the dishes and can’t cater to her immediately.  Now I have to shower them before we leave and change my pants….ERG!

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Well Hello Embarrassment

Let’s skip all the mundane chit-chat about the evening’s errands and get to the good stuff shall we?

All that was left on my list was deodorant.  I was in my normal catatonic state that I slip into in order to make it through Wal-Mart without pulling my hair out.  Not necessarily because of the girls but because of the other idiots that frequent there.  I can’t wait until the day we are wealthy enough to NOT shop at that place.

Anyway, last item and L pops up in the cart grabbing herself yelling she has to go NOW!  I told her she had to wait one second but then H, the ever so logical and calm one looks at me with panic and declares her sister cannot wait!

So I turn the ever loving blasted cart with the bum tire around and start making my way to the restrooms when she lets out a hollow, “I’m not going to make it!”  And like every perfect mother I give her the death look and tell her to hold it until it comes out her eyes if she has to but her fear gives away the magnitude of this emergency.

Now, like a lunatic, I am running.  I slam the cart against the wall, grab my wallet, yank H out, grab L and carry her to the bathroom because at this point her hand is clutching her vag and she is frozen.  How the hell did you not feel this coming on sooner I thought?

As I was running for the bathroom I hear H yell MOMMY!  I turn around and she has no shoes on!  What the hell is going on around here people!

I dropped the spaz, picked up the shoeless, turn around and L was running full speed into the men’s room!  I mean she was in there, out of sight and for those of you who are regular readers this sent the sweat pouring!  LLLLLL get out here!  That’s the boy’s room!

Now we are full on sprinting to the girls handicap stall where I plop H down on the infant changer and pray it doesn’t break under her solid 40 pounds of cuteness and get L on the potty just in time; seat covered of course, there is always time for that.

Whew.   Once again I am bitch-slapped with the realization that I am no better than the people I turn my nose up to when I pass by and think what a hot mess that Mom is.

As I strip down to my shirt because I am about to pass out I start laughing thinking about how funny we must have looked.  I knew I should have said no to let them split that bottle of water however I will never learn!

You’re welcome ladies and gentlemen of Wal-Mart for your evening’s entertainment.  Same time next week?